Author's Note: This essay is in memory of former Atlantic editor and Washington Post columnist Michael Kelly, who once wrote a column by this name and in this form about a prior president.
I believe the President. I have always believed him.
I believed him when he said he wanted to ban Muslims from entering the United States. And I believe him now when he says his travel ban has nothing to do with religious discrimination.
I believe that Donald Trump will drain the swamp and that his election has delivered us from the corruption of Bill and Hillary Clinton. I believe him when he says there’s no reason for him to disclose his tax returns. I believe him when he says there’s no reason to divest himself of any of his financial holdings. I believed him when he protested that he wasn’t trying to get a security clearance for his daughter and son-in-law. And I believe him now when says he needs his family installed by his side in the West Wing. I believe the Emoluments Clause applies only to Democrats. And I believe that only rank partisanship and media bias explain the skepticism about his finances running rampant in the press.
I believe Temple Taggart McDowell is a cheap tramp who was asking for it. I believe Rachel Crooks is a cheap tramp who was asking for it. I believe Natasha Stoynoff is a cheap tramp who was asking for it. I believe Mindy McGillivray is a cheap tramp who was asking for it. I believe that all of the other women who have accused the President of sexual assault are also cheap tramps who were asking for it. In any event, I also believe that the President was merely engaged in “locker room talk” when he boasted of grabbing women by the pussy. I believe that when you're a star, they let you do it.
I believed the President when he said he was going to repeal and replace Obamacare and I believed him when he said it was the Democrats’ fault that he didn’t repeal or replace Obamacare. I believe him now that it’s all the House Freedom Caucus’s fault that Congress has left Obamacare in place. I believe him that it’s time to move on to tax reform.
I believe the President that he’s a great deal maker, and I look forward to his negotiating new trade deals on my behalf.
I believe there is nothing unusual about Trump’s solicitude for Vladimir Putin. I believe that the whole Russia connection story is “fake news” designed to cover up an embarrassing electoral loss on the part of the Democrats.
I believe there is nothing unusual about Michael Flynn’s dealings with the Russian government. I believe there is nothing unusual about Carter Page’s dealings with the Russian government. I believe there is nothing unusual about Paul Manafort’s dealings with the Russian government. I believe there is nothing unusual about Roger Stone’s dealings with the Russian government. I believe there is nothing unusual about Russia's setting up a secret line of communication to the Trump administration through Erik Prince, founder of Blackwater and brother of a cabinet secretary. I believe there is nothing unusual about Jared Kushner’s meeting with a sanctioned Russian bank while working for his father-in-law’s transition. I believe that kind of thing happens all the time in all transitions.
I also believe there is nothing unusual about having a leader of a Hungarian extremist party working in your White House while he is resolving a pending gun charge for trying to bring a handgun onto an airplane.
And yes, I believe that Barack Hussein Obama wire tapped Trump Tower. I believe Devin Nunes was merely conducting an impartial investigation when he came across information the President needed to know about and that he therefore raced over to the White House to inform him of his discovery. I believe any patriot would have done the same. And I believe that stopping briefly before going in and before coming out of the White House to tell the press all about it is perfectly consistent with complaining about leaks. I believe it makes all the sense in the world to rush over to the White House to inform the President of material you learned from the White House.
I believe that leaks are the real story.
I believe that Donald Trump will Make America Great Again. Don't you?